Thursday, August 28, 2014

Morning life, mommy guilt...Yes it has been that long!

It really has been that long (four years) since I have written a blog entry, I cannot promise that I will get back to this writing thing on any kind of religious schedule but felt like sharing today so here goes! I hope you are all well and hopefully I will be inspired to write about the highlights of the last four years they have been amazing, frustrating, sad, happy and wonderful all at the same time!

Despite being awaken at 5:35am by an unsolicited text message from one of my husband’s colleagues, I already feel as though I will be behind schedule rushing through the morning to arrive to school drop off on time.

 I must digress enough to say that the cell phone that lives at our bedside each night is now damaged with dangerous shards of glass on it’s touchscreen surface from an unfortunate drop to the ground yesterday and is now being used through a Ziploc bag, my husband refuses to believe that being addicted to technology is possible – should I take a picture of him using his phone wrapped in a Ziploc bag as evidence later in life? The audio is obviously still working fine!

 “Ugh - Why is that light from another room on and shining brightly in my face?, Oh yes it is the trail that was left as my husband made his way into the other room, rather than feel annoyed, I will remain positive and get up and turn it off. There that is better, I will cozy back into the covers for a good thirty more minutes of sleep in the darkness of the morning, oh but I must wake by 6:15am to get my son going. I really should set an alarm so I can relax… but my phone is four rooms away and that requires way too much effort – okay I think I am back to sleep. “What time it is? – 6:05am – should I just get up now or go back to sleep?

“ Finally it is 6:30am, I am upstairs to wake up my son, he is sleeping so soundly and looks amazingly comfortable in his fluffy blanket. His skin is so soft, I will gently wake him up so he is not startled. That stretch of his arms and the yawn reminds me of him as an infant, wow he is growing up way too fast…..I would love to enjoy this moment of peacefulness but the anxiety driven flurry of the morning routine is about to begin…… “Okay, you have to get up, it has been ten minutes of stretching, time is running out, remember we have to leave by 7:40am. Okay, I have to turn the light on – are you ready?” His voice turns to the dissatisfied and annoyed tone of “NOOOOO, I will only get up if you do not turn the light on!” Okay he is standing, do I pick his clothes out or do I let him exert independence and allow him to do it himself – knowing that option two will add twenty minutes to our routine. I will distract myself, head downstairs and focus on breakfast. If I am lucky I can hand something to my husband as he runs out the door.

Now breakfast is ready, husband could not wait so now I have made too much. It has been at least twenty minutes, where is my son. “Are you coming down? Breakfast is ready….” I hear a very calm – “Almost dressed…” My thoughts repeat, what on earth could you have been doing for this amount of time? He wobbles down the stairs, uncombed hair but clothes are on. “Yuuuummmmmyy Breakfast” Oh how I wish I can be this happy and calm each morning, my tea, just the way my grandmother taught me to make it - sugar and milk - yes that will help! I grab my tea, I sit down and decide relaxing works….I calmly watch the sunrise from the breakfast table while my son slowly enjoys his breakfast. Feeling of peace as we watch the blue sky, whimsical birds and the green trees outside.

Catch a glimpse of the clock, how did that happen, it is already 7:25am – here we go, next burst of pushing. “You need to go brush your teeth and comb your hair.” “Okay, in a minute” as he twirls around the living room, one look from me and he heads upstairs. I decide I am not going to remind him constantly, he can do this, I need to be patient. Ten minutes go by, where is he? “Are you ready?, we need to go?” I yell upstairs. “Yes, in a minute…” he yells downstairs.

He is finally down and in front of me, grabbing his shoes and socks. Remind myself to breathe and enjoy the moment. I am happy I have everything ready to grab and go, as we head toward the car – “I am thirsty”. Okay I should be a good mom and grab him some water. As he puts his seatbelt on, he drops the seatbelt in the water. Instant disappointment, he whines – “I need a new cup of water this one is now filled with germs” I know getting a new cup of water will be easier. Another learning moment for me and him – do I let him deal with life’s consequences or get him another glass. Ugh – I feel it – that switch of anger and frustration bubbling inside, it grabs me. I slam the car in park, I yell that “he is being a pain” and now I am inside refilling the glass due to instant fear he will be dehydrated all day.

We are all set to go – 7:47am. Hopefully there is no traffic. We head over lake on the bridge, I feel it looming, the mommy guilt of my frustration and yelling. I feel the need to apologize, so I do, he looks puzzled, he has clearly moved on emotionally and quite happy with his fresh water and watching the morning buzz.

We get to the school, he heads out of the car toward his classroom, distracted by the surrounding courtyard, he is not watching where he is going and bumps his head into pole as he approaches the classroom. I am trapped in the carpool lane and can only hope someone will help him, he disappears in the classroom and now I sit and wait back at home, with dirty breakfast dishes, unmade beds and moving boxes of unwanted papers and knick knacks, for 3:15pm to know he is okay. I am hoping that since my phone never rang, he is good.

Now this is the part of the day I am supposed to prioritize with productive positive energy - organizing, cooking, making beds and smiling happily through the freedom of not working, not having a schedule but pretending to have it all together - ha!   Maybe I should just sit, relax and have another cup of tea…..and look forward to hearing the highs and lows of my son and husband’s day.